Yeehaw
by shaybo
Summary: Emmett talks to Edward about sex. Chapter two now up because I was bored.
1. Yeehaw

Okay, so Edward is fucking stupid. The whole time I was reading this series I kept asking myself, Is this guy retarded? Does he not know you can have sex in other positions? What a dummy. Also, why the fuck does he sigh so much? Whatever.

If y'all need help picturing Emmett, just imagine the biggest douchebag SoCal frat boy ever, and make him immortal. But he's also the only thing in this whole series that didn't make me want to kill myself, so, there you go.

This talk probably never happened. It so should have though. It would have saved us like 150 pages of fucking snorkeling and shit. I mean, honestly. Bella and Edward probably had the most boring sex ever. Don't give me shit about how they both orgasmed because of how in love they were. Edward probably blew his load in twenty seconds and Bella probably had no idea sex could be any better.

Fuck their lives.

You all are going to hate me.

**Yeehaw**

I sat reading Chaucer, the light patting of raindrops on the glass window the only immediate noise. I hardly registered the low buzzing of voices, something I had gotten used to in one hundred years. With a melancholy sigh, I turned the page.

Bella, my only true love, was at home with Charlie now. They would probably just be sitting down for dinner, which meant another four or so hours until I could see her again. With another sigh, I looked out at the gray Washington rain. The low fog snaked around the forest that some would call beautiful. I, too, would have seen its beauty, if I had not already seen the most beautiful creature in the entire universe.

"Yo Ed," a deep voice called. I looked up immediately and saw my large brother, Emmett. He wore only cut-off sweats, a bandana, and Nikes. "Can I talk to you for a sec?"

I sighed. How did an almost eighty-year old vampire stay so up-to-date with modern linguistics? "Yes, Emmett. What do you need?"

He took a seat across from me on the couch, stretching his massive form over Esme's carefully arranged throw pillows. My eye twitched as his dirty shoe scuffed the embroidery I had worked so hard on. "Alice has been bugging me to talk to you. Well, she's been bugging me and Jasper to talk to you, but Jasper wasn't down, so I'm doing it."

I pursed my lips. "What about?"

"Well Ed," Emmett said, looking me in the eye. "I know you're kind of an old-fashioned guy, and your wedding is coming up. You know what that means." He winked, and my nostrils flared in agitation. "So I thought I'd give you some advice."

"Whatever crude tips you have for me, I'd rather not here," I snapped, turning back to my book.

"Nah, Ed. Don't be like that. It's just some stuff that may not have crossed your mind. I know you're a virgin and all, and I have much experience with _the ladies_, plus Rose, so I thought you'd appreciate some advice." He sniffed in mock agitation. "Apparently not."

I rolled my eyes. "Fine, Emmett. Please, do share."

He seemed to brighten. "Well, first off, I know you're probably wondering what sex is like." It was true, I was mildly curious, but not enough to ever endanger my love. Emmett looked me in the eye. "Dude, it's fucking _awesome_."

Of course, Emmett had to be crude. He continued. "But you got to let loose. And yeah, I get you can't do that with Bella, on account of her being all breakable and stuff, but there are things you can for sure do that'll keep her safe."

I looked at him quizzically, my interest finally piqued. I had no care for any brothel-like behavior, but anything to keep my Bella safe was worth it. "Such as?" I asked.

"Well, there's other stuff you can do to get her off. Like, your fingers and stuff. You get me? Plus there's stuff you can do with your mouth. It gets pretty complicated, but--"

"Emmett!" I roared, slamming my book closed. "How dare you speak of Bella in such a way! To imply she would want anything so unpure to be performed on her, it makes me ill. Now, if you'll excuse me."

"Aww, Ed," he said. "I'm sorry dude. I'm just trying to lay some stuff out. She can do the same to you. It's fucking awesome--" He broke off mid-sentence as he took in my reaction. "Okay, moving on."

"I think I've heard enough, really." I stood up to leave.

Emmett started to stand, too. "Please, Edward. Two more minutes. I just want to help you out, bro. You don't have to follow any of my advice, but it's good to have." He made a good point. With an exasperated sigh, I sat again.

He continued. "Okay, so sex. Basically, it sounds easy, but sometimes it's hard to find Slot V to put your Part P in."

"I know the basics of sexual education, Emmett. I have done my research." I did. I spent countless hours studying biology books, even though it made me feel terribly dirty.

"Oh." He seemed slightly surprised I wasn't completely ignorant. I had to admit, it hurt my pride slightly. "Well, then you know about other positions and stuff, right?"

"Positions?" I couldn't remember anything about positions in the AP Anatomy book I borrowed from the Forks library.

"Postions," he repeated. "You know, like missionary, cow girl, doggy, butterfly."

I furrowed my brow. "I'm sorry Emmett, but you've lost me."

Emmett let out a long, hearty laugh. "Dude, are you fucking kidding me? Like, I knew you were a super virgin and shit but really?" he laughed, holding his stomach. I rolled my eyes.

After a few moments, he calmed down long enough to explain. "So missionary is like, the basic. You're on top, she's on the bottom. I don't recommend it for your situation though. You're trying not to hurt her, which'll be hard when you're right on top."

I hadn't really thought of that. "And... cowgirl?" I asked.

"Yeah dude. This shit rocks. The girl's ontop, so you can see her tits... er, her breasts and stuff. You just lay back and she does the work, riding you. Get it? Riding? Cowgirl?"

"Yeehaw," I said sourly. I had to admit, though, he did make a good point, although I really wasn't sure if I wanted to hear the rest.

"And doggy... Doggy is the shit, bro--"

"Thank you, Emmett, but I believe I've heard enough." I rose out of my chair. "Thank you, though. You've helped me in your particular... way."

"Anytime, bro," he said, smiling.


	2. Ride 'Em

Alright so I reread the first chapter and decided it was pretty fucking funny and that Emmett is amazing and should come back, cut-off sweats and all.

So here are Edward and Emmett discussing sex right after Ed and Bella (I hate this bitch by the way. Actually, I hate everyone in the series, besides Emmett and Jacob before he became some dipshit puppy thing) raced home because OMG BABY.

I also hate Renesmee.

I hate the whole series.

But it's fucking funny.

**Ride 'Em**

It was a warm summer evening, the sun setting over the pine trees surrounding my home. I was reading my collected of the works of Edgar Allen Poe as Bella lay resting upstairs. I could picture her chestnut locks flung out around her angelic face, her perfect lips half-open, a small bit of drool pooling under her cheek. I was so enraptured in the thought of her sleep I didn't notice Emmett enter the living room until he spoke.

"Yo Ed," he grunted, taking a seat in an arm chair. I looked up from the line I was reading (_Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."_) to glare at him.

"Yes, Emmett?" I asked. I was in no mood for his debauchery. Upstairs, Bella lay in pain, the demonic creature from my seed torturing her. If not for the voice of Poe I would have been in ruin from guilt and worry. _Annabel Lee _had left me in tears as I thought of my soul mate, yet they were cleansing tears. Tears that spoke of forgiveness Bella would bestow upon me I could never accept, knowing it was my greed that had-

"So, fucking..." Emmett began, snapping me out of my reverie. Immediately I became hostile.

"Don't you ever refer to intercourse as something so vile!" I snarled, snapping my book closed. "It is something special between two people that love each other, a physical representation of their undying love!"

Emmett didn't seem to react to my outburst, probably immune to my lecture. "Yeah, yeah, okay bro. But basically I was just checking up. I wanted to know if our old convo had helped you in the sack."

I thought back to the conversation a few weeks ago I had shared with Emmett and cringed. "Yes, I remember."

"Did it help?" he asked, suddenly eager. "Did you use my tips? Cowgirl? Did you go down? I know it can smell kinda funky but if she eats a lot of pineapple-"

"No Emmett, I did not put my mouth anywhere near my love's genitalia!" I screeched. "Now, if all you want is a vulgar summary of the amazing moment I shared with my one true love, my sun, my light, you will be disappointed!"

"Amazing?" he asked, picking up only what he wanted to hear. "Sex was amazing?"

I sighed. "Yes, Emmett, I enjoyed myself. Oh, I enjoyed myself too much!" I lamented, covering my face with my hands. "When she awoke, she was covered in bruises. And feathers! So many feathers!" I collapsed into sobs.

There was a pause, until Emmett finally said, "Bruises? Kinky."

"No Emmett! Not kinky!" I glared at him, tensing, trying not to fling out and pounce on him. "It was horrendous!"

He shrugged. "I dunno, maybe she's into that."

I pictured myself flying off of my windowseat and ripping him and his idiotic shirt (_save water, shower with me_) to pieces. "No, Emmett," I growled, "Bella is not into sadomasochism."

"You never know. She could be the kinky type." He sat back, his hands behind his head. "Yeah, I could see that. She has this girl-next-door thing going on, but she could be a low-key freak."

"Enough!" I bellowed. "You will not discuss my reason for living in this way! I would rather die a thousand deaths, if our doomed kind could, than hear you talk of her like this!"

Emmett raised an eyebrow (which I was pretty sure he got waxed). "Woah, calm down bro. No need to be so dramatic. But I'll stop. That's not even what I wanted to ask about anyway."

I took a breath to calm myself. "Alright, Emmett. Ask."

"Well, there are a few." He paused, and I nodded, signaling to him he could continue. "How was the blood factor?"

"I hardly noticed," I quipped.

"Alright. Did you do it cowgirl style like I said?"

"No," I answered. "Upon further research I found that several religions frown on sexual intercourse in any way but the natural way, so we refrained."

"Ah, see, no wonder she got bruises." He scratched at his chinstrap and continued. "Did she say it felt like a popsicle?"

"What?" I fumed.

"Well, you know, we're cold to humans. And what's colder and more dick-shaped than a popsicle?" he asked. I was at a loss for words. "Did she like it?" he prompted.

"Bella seemed to enjoy herself!" I snapped, revealing more information than I thought I would in defense of my manhood.

"You sure?" he asked. "Girls fake that shit."

"Enough, Emmett! This is enough. I will not have you insult my one true love and reason for being and then insinuate our time together was not perfect! I have nothing more to say other than goodnight." With that, I turned back to my book.

Emmett shrugged. "Shoulda done cowgirl."


End file.
